1. I really hate being pregnant. This sounds horrible. I feel guilty for feeling this way. It has been such a blessing and a miracle, that why do I dislike it so much? I wanted to be pregnant for years! I wanted the experience, the good, the bad, and the ugly! I wanted to love being pregnant- and I just don't. I have gained weight, I feel sluggish and gross, I am constantly exhausted, I don't sleep-ever-, my legs are an achy mess, my ribs are busted up.... etc. Dan dubs me a whiner, my doctor assures me that this has been a difficult pregnancy, not to mention high risk.
I try to help myself feel better about this with thoughts like:
- I feel more spiritual and closer to my Father in Heaven for sending this blessing to me.
- I love when I touch my belly and Cameron responds.
- I may not like being pregnant, but I am still grateful for the opportunity, and definitely most grateful for the outcome!
That is my first case of pregnancy guilt. My second case has bothered me on and off, but has really resurfaced due to some recent events.
Dan and I have friends that tried for 9 years to have a baby- they found out that both she and he suffered from conditions that would make getting pregnant basically a 0.01% chance. At times it hurts to watch others around you have babies, and know that you simply can't. {I know exactly how that feels. I know how it feels to be happy for someone but almost want to punch them in the face at the same time for being able to have something you can't- a baby.}
Anyway- these friends were able to adopt a beautiful daughter. Since, the adoption road has had it's ups and downs, and unfortunately, they have not been blessed with another child.
This sweet daughter of theirs has prayed daily for months to send a baby brother or sister to her home. One day, much to great surprise- she was pregnant! A true miracle and gift! A testimony builder that even the little prayers of a 4 year old are answered!
At 20-21 weeks, our friends lost their baby. Here comes my guilt. It is so hard for me to watch someone suffer these great trials over and over- I can't even imagine losing a baby! It took us so long to have one, to get a blessing, that to lose it would be a loss so great, it makes me sad! I watch these friends keep their faith, and put on strong faces for the world, but I just can't help but feel so upset for them- why do I get to have a healthy baby, yet they suffered more with the road of infertility and adoption than we have.
I guess what this all means really is that we just don't understand reasons for why things happen the way they sometimes do. I know the Lord has a hand in these things. I have tried to comfort myself about this with the thought- although it is a significant loss in this life for my friend's family, they are chosen and regarded as parents who can handle this trial and that they are blessed for giving this baby a body. They will have their baby again. I know this doesn't necessarily ease any pain for now, but I can't imagine going through the experience- especially without a knowledge of the plan our Father has laid out for us.
Whew- hopefully I can get over this pregnancy guilt.
I am getting ever more nervous and excited for Cam to get here! the countdown is on! 5 weeks left!
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