Also adding that after years of immaturity, defense, contention, anger, and hatred, Dan and I have decided to cut his sister from our lives completely- if for only a while.
I will add that we feel the Christlike way and peaceful way about it was all one sided- our side, and that the immature and selfish acts were from her as well as us.
Now that we have a son, so many of our opinions and focus has changed and we just feel it to be too dangerous and toxic to have him around a person who is constantly bringing down her entire family.
We looked to friendly advice and church resources for opinions and suggestions on this matter- as it is something we don't take lightly. We are hoping this isn't a permanent decision, but rather one to allow all in the family to collect their wits and thoughts and hopefully, eventually come to a happier place.
"Sometimes
it makes sense to be sympathetic with toxic people whom you know are going
through a difficult time, or those who are suffering from an illness.
There’s no question about it, some toxic people are genuinely distressed,
depressed, or even mentally and physically ill, but you still need to separate
their legitimate issues from how they behave toward you. If you let people
get away with anything because they are distressed, facing a medical condition,
or depressed, even, then you are making it too tempting for them to start
unconsciously using their unfortunate circumstance as a means to an end."
I found this tidbit on a random blog I was reading. It is private, so I can't link to it but I agree wholeheartedly.
I love my in-laws so dearly, but sometimes giving this toxic person her way to keep the peace is a huge injustice to the rest of the family. I am on a the sideline of a battle that is not ending well. I see ways that Dan, Ben, David, and all the grandkids are losing time and attention over one person. Heavenly Father told Nephi, "It is better that one perish, than to have a whole nation dwindle in unbelief."
I understand that she has some setbacks and disadvantages, but she knows right from wrong and how to manipulate people to get what she wants. Not cool.
Here are a handful of quotes we found at LDS.org.
The Canker of Contention
RUSSELL M. NELSON
As we dread any disease that undermines the health of the
body, so should we deplore contention, which is a corroding canker of the
spirit. I appreciate the counsel of Abraham Lincoln, who said: “Quarrel
not at all. No man resolved to make the most of himself can spare time for
personal contention. … Better give your path to a dog than be bitten by him.”
No Time for Contention
MARVIN J. ASHTON
From the Savior’s words we learn the source of contention,
whether it be in the home, in the community, among the leaders, or in the
classroom. “For verily, verily, I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of
contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention,
and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another.”
(3 Ne. 11:29.)
This means that Satan has power over us only when we let him in. We have
agency. We can choose our behavior. The Prophet Joseph Smith said on one occasion, “The
devil has no power over us only as we permit him. The moment we revolt at
anything which comes from God, the devil takes power.” (Teachings of the
Prophet Joseph Smith, p. 181.)
When one considers the bad feeling and the unpleasantness
caused by contention, it is well to ask, “Why do I participate?” If we are
really honest with ourselves, our answers may be something like: “When I argue
and am disagreeable, I do not have to change myself. It gives me a chance to
get even.” “I am unhappy and I want others to be miserable too.” “I can feel
self-righteous. In this way I get my ego built up.” “I don’t want others to
forget how much I know!”
Whatever the real reason, it is important to recognize that we
choose our behavior. At the root of this issue is the age-old problem of pride.
“Only by pride cometh contention.” (Prov. 13:10.)
If
Satan can succeed in creating in us habits of arguing, quarreling, and
contention, it is easier then for him to bind us with the heavier sins which
can destroy our eternal lives. A contentious spirit can affect almost any phase
of our lives. An angry letter written in haste can haunt us—sometimes for
years. A few ill-advised words spoken in hate can destroy a marriage or a
personal friendship, or impede community progress.
Eliminating Contention
BY A. LAVAR THORNOCK
Satan
seeks to sow contention everywhere, including the Church. The person with a
contentious spirit is usually thinking primarily of himself. And when we yield
to such a spirit we separate ourselves further from the Spirit of God. “He that
hath the spirit of contention is not of me,” said the Lord, “but is of the
devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to
contend with anger, one with another” (3 Ne. 11:29).
When
we learn to overcome contention, in our lives we bring ourselves closer to
Christ. Contention destroys relationships between family members, and thwarts the smooth
progress of the Church. But as we learn the gospel, repent of our mistakes, and
live in obedience to the counsel of our living prophets, we can overcome
contention and begin again to progress back to God. When we, through the
Atonement and self-mastery, rise above the natural man, we will be able to
begin to live eternal laws. And thus will come eternal blessings.
Here are some thoughts from some of our friends: Most of which just confirmed what we already felt-
“We all have those people. Wish there was an easy answer. Just
trust your instincts as a father & husband and know that Heavenly Father
will guide you to do what is best for the family He has given you to lead and
guide.”
“If they really wanted a relationship with their nephew, they
wouldn't treat his parents poorly”
“We only spend time with them at family gatherings, but never
outside of that. It just wasn't worth the hurt feelings all of the time and we
know nothing will ever change.”
“If they really want a relationship with the nephews. This
person needs to change or you can go surround your family with positive people
who will enrich your life. I would tell this person that you won't be visiting
them or let your kids visit them or this person will poison them with gossip
and hatred. I wouldn't want that for my kids. Unless they change and respect
everyone in your family, you don’t want them be a part of your life. It's their
choice. Your Heavenly Father can also guide you. We are all his children. We
love them but don't need to allow our hearts or minds to be filled with
negative and toxic things.”
”Daniel, this is a tough
one but honestly, if you don't want to be around this family member, do you want Cam?? I know I wouldn't want my
daughter. Cherish, Cameron and you are a package deal. Be kind when you speak
to this person and let them know that their behavior doesn't work for you and
your family and that you choose not to be around the negativity. Let them know
that changes need to be made in order to have that relationship they want. They
can't argue that. Like another person said, let your father instinct kick in.
They're there for a reason. You're the head of your family and do what you
think is best. Good Luck!”
“I would give the extended family thing a rest. Go visit
individual siblings and your parents at different times rather than at family
gatherings and only see the people that are positive influences in your life.
That way Cameron still gets to know his family but you are controlling the
situation. At some point if the negative nellie makes some life changes you can
go back to the family gathering thing. I would say you might have to make
exceptions for some holidays though and on those days set a time limit (i.e.
stay for only an hour). Good luck!”
Hopefully a little bit of healthy space will calm this person down. It is time for a reality check, and we are trying to do our part as pleasing to our Father in Heaven as we can.
